Real Man of Genius

Tom Hanks is on Jay Leno talking about drinking in a pub overseas while filming The Da Vinci Code. He said, "I think a guy who orders a pilsner is, essentially, a big fat pussy."

He went on to describe lager drinkers as "some good-lovin' men who treat their women good."

Here in the states, Miller Lite is marketed as a pilsner, while Budweiser is a lager.

In my household, from now on, Tom Hanks is a Real Man of Genius. So, thank you, Mr.Good-Lovin'Treatin'-Women-Good Bud-Drinkin' Man. We salute you.

And if Shellie were awake, she'd be saying WOOHOOOOO!

How To Eat Fried Worms

They're making a movie of the Rockwell novel, can you believe it?! Go to the movie's site here.

Talk about bringing back memories. I spent most of my life with books - this one of the first. I'm thrilled!

SoaP Sunday!

THERE'S SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' PLANE!!

Happy SoaP Sunday, everyone. Since this is the first official SoaP Sunday, I'll explain.

Snakes on a Plane. If you haven't heard of this movie yet, start paying more attention because it's all over the place! Go find a preview. Go read the blog. It's a brilliantly (and horribly) named flick coming out in August that is so cornbally, it's already got an amazing cult following (mostly internet-based).

So, to pay tribute (and because there's really nothing on tv on Sundays to blog about), I'm going to post something about the movie every week until its release. (Or until I run out of crap to talk about. Because I don't want to WORK for it. I mean, come on.)

This week's SoaP Sunday is my favorite fake movie picture so far. Wheeee!


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Go to the movie's site.
Go to the movie on IMDB.
Go to the movie's blog.

Happy Birthday!

This doesn't have anything to do with my late night shows, but wanted to share the news.

The most beautiful couple in the world, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, welcomed their new 7.5lb baby into the world today, May 26. Happy Birthday, Kingston James McGregor Rossdale.

Chicago Nursing Home

Rita Wilson is playing the part of Roxie in the Broadway show, Chicago.

I don't mean to be that girl, but...isn't she a little old for this role? The character, Roxie Hart, is a sexy wannabe vaudeville dancer in the 1930s who has a fairly new marriage and a lover, who has to pass as pregnant while in the slammer.

To me, the role screams for someone half Rita Wilson's age. I've seen both the play and the movie and just can't picture a 50-year-old Roxie. Is it just me?

I was fully expecting them to say she was taking on the role of Momma.

I mean, really, 50 is just SO freakin' old. She probably won't make it through rehearsals before kicking the bucket. Can people that old even see anymore? How's she going to get her cues? Can Roxie really get to vaudeville with a walker?!

Nahhhhh, just kiddin. Break a leg, Rita.

Or a hip.

Oh Son Of A...

Taylor Hicks on Jay Leno. Worse than Halle Berry's toe.


That's all I have to say.

The Other Side of X-Men

Yesterday we had Hugh Jackman (aka Chasey's new boyfriend). Tonight, Halle Berry is on David Letterman. What's that little minx doing? Talking about her feet. If you know me AT ALL, you know how feet utterly gross me out.

GROSS. Me. Out.

She was running through the airport trying to catch a flight when she tripped over her own feet and fell. In doing so, she broke the middle toe on her left foot. Oooh, but that's not the bad part. What else did she do? She ripped off one of her toenails. Gone.

Umm, good lord. Give me Hugh Jackman again, please. His stories didn't make me vomit on my keyboard.

I Have A New Boyfriend

What could possibly be sexier than an Australian hotty who plays a badass mutant? A funny, charming Australian hotty who plays a badass mutant.

And that's why I've grabbed me up a new man. Hugh Jackman was on Conan and just charmed the heck outta me. There wasn't a story he told that was boring in the least. And I found myself battting my eyelashes at the tv. Whodathunk a hairy monster could have such an effect?

Hey, Hugh? Call me, mmkay?

Aniston Gets The Eye

I don't know if David Letterman was more interested in Jennifer Aniston's legs or her relationship with Vince Vaughn.

Sure, they talked about the movie (The Break Up) a little, but mostly it was "so...ARE you seeing Vince Vaughn, because, if you are, that's ok" and "my GOD your legs are great."

Poor girl.

Though, I have to say - you really couldn't help but look at those legs. She was wearing shorty shorts, for pete's sake. Who cares about Vince Vaughn?? I nearly ran up and licked the tv screen!

Very Very Vince

Vince Vaughn (Swingers, The Break Up) was telling Jay Leno about his unusual family names. His mother liked the way her husband's name was V.V. - Vernon Vaughn, so she continued the trend with the rest of the household.

She named him Vince Vaughn and his sisters Victoria Vaughn and Valerie Vaughn. She even named all the pets V.V. The last pet they had was a chihuahua named Vanadis Vaughn.

I suppose hubby liked that idea because when he eventually remarried. Yep. He got him a Vicky Vaughn.

I'm glad none of those kids had a stutter. They'd never get anywhere. V-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v......vvv-v-v-v-v-v-v-vv-vv-vv-v-vv....v-v-v-vv-vv-v-vvv-v-v-v-v-vuck!

SNL Edition

Bloggin' SNL it as it plays. Because I'm chill like that.

Host : The most brilliant actor on the planet, Kevin Spacey
Musical Guest : Always freaks me out a little, Nelly Furtado

I love when fat guys dress up like women and act like idiots - Horatio Sanz as Carol makes me giggle like a spaz.

Um. When did Nelly Furtado turn ghetto skank? Just curious.

I can't stand Taylor Hicks. And I can't stand when someone pretends to be Taylor Hicks. Someone please make it stop.

Tina Fey on Weekend Update: "Residents in Scottsdale, Arizona are upset with the name of a new taco restaurant which is called Pink Taco Mexican Restaurant. In case you're curious, the Pink Taco is located just south of the Hooters." BRILLIANT.

The time machine bit? Yep, this is the epitome of why SNL kinda sucks these days. That was long and drawn out and made me want to stick something in my eyes.

I'm embarassed for SNL. They get someone like Spacey on and they make him do these skits. *pat pat* I'm sorry, Kevin.

Nelly's 2nd act? Like the cast of Chicago on crack stuck in a bad hair products commercial. Much like her first one but for different reasons, I won't be buying this album.

Dum Dum Dummmm

Not even kidding, this was a sentence used on Entertainment Tonight today:

....and on Monday, the woman Richard Simmons caught smuggling hamburgers into the Rehab Center for the Morbidly Obese....

Some things just make ya smile.

I'll Pull Her Hair Out

John Corbett (Sex and the City) is dating Bo Derek?! Apparently for awhile now.

My lord, she could be his great, great grandmother.

Ok, yeah, not really...she's only 5 years older, but, seeing as "10" came out 78 years ago (again - slight exaggeration), it seems like she could be. I say she's too old for him.

Plus, I'm a little jealous. Because, dammit, Aiden is mine.

MINE, MINE, MINE, YOU BRAIDY-HEADED FREAK!!

Not that I care or anything...whatever, dude....

Buddha Would Approve

Nicolette Sheridan from Desperate Housewives was telling Jay Leno tonight about her brush with life imitating art imitating life.

On a recent episode, Nicolette's character, Edie, gets attacked by bees, leaving her face swollen to the size of a basketball. She said a couple of days after they filmed, Nicolette walked out of her house to find a swarm of bees and thought she was going to end up all crazy-looking like she did on the show.

Normal people would either grab a can of Raid, or, if it's a dire need, they would call the bug man to come spray. Yeah, I said normal. Nicolette had her assistant call a 'holistic bee whisperer' to get rid of the little guys.

She said when she returned home a few hours later, no bees were harmed, but they were gone.

Something seems a bit amiss to me. Dog whisperer, sure. Horse whisperer, ok, whatever. Ghost whisperer, don't get me started. BEE whisperer? Oh. Come. On. Dude took a boot to those suckers and rinsed away the evidence, I just know it!

But, I'm pretty open-minded - I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. So...anyone know a good plumbing whisperer? My toilet is making funny noises.

License to Kill

Evangeline Lily ("Lost") needs to NOT be behind the wheel. Please?

She confesses that when she gets impatient while driving, she just pushes on the gas and plows through. She told Jay Leno and his full military audience that she recently crashed into the craft services guy because he was in her way.

When Jay asked if she stopped and apologized, she gave us this gem :

I actually didn't realize that it happened. You know how you get used to
things and then you don't notice them anymore?

Oh, my. She actually went on to say she's hit "snowbanks and dirtpiles and pedestrians and lamp posts..."

Go ahead, say it. *sigh* WOMEN.

BUT - if it makes any difference, she finished her segment by doing 10 knuckle push-ups. And not in a sissy on-the-knee kind of way.

Not only could she plow over me with her car, she could probably also kick my ass. Ok, I'll stop making fun of her now.

Next? The World

Oprah just spent $24million, buying 2 more homes in Hawaii, bringing the total homes owned on the islands to FIVE. Five homes in Hawaii. "Hi, I own five homes in Hawaii." Who else on the planet can say that?!

Clearly, she's planning world domination.

I Hear A Banjo

Patricia Heaton ("Everybody Loves Raymond") was telling Jay Leno about her Easter vacation. She went and hung out (read : got drunk) with family in Cleveland, OH, where she owns a house. After a couple of drinks, she decides it's a good idea to waddle over in her slippers, take an axe, and start chopping on a burning stack of wood.

While she's got a beer in one hand and a sharp weapon in the other, thrashing around on this smoldering pile of wood, her brother comes around with a chainsaw and says, "I've got a chainsaw and illegal fireworks...all we need is liquor!"

See? Britney Spears isn't the only one who's kept her redneck roots even after being a big star. You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Yee. Haw.

Desperate Times...

Bruce Willis is on Letterman promoting his flick, Over The Hedge, a cartoon that doesn't really look all that good. So, what does a gigastar* like Willis do to make it look a little less pathetic?

He comes out in fake chains and gets in a vat of water fully dressed, saying he's going to break David Blaine's record. Of course, you can't make an ass of yourself for TOO long or your career is done, so after 20 seconds of splashing around, he hopped back out.

Brilliant.

I bet Demi is thinking she made a pretty wise choice about now.



*Letterman was calling him a 'gigastar' - now that the stunt is over, it's obvious this translates into 'freaking moron.'

And His Stupid Glasses, Too

Have I mentioned how much I can't stand Paul Shaffer? I kinda want to shove his keyboard up his honker.

Good thing I chose to do a blog where I have to watch the show every night, huh? Damn, I'm good.

Itchy Wee Wee & My Home State

Another Will&Grace star. Yay!

Megan Mullally and her hubby went on romantic vacation in northern Cali recently. She told Conan about how hubs somehow got poison oak on his winky. She's on there talking about how scabby and icky it is. Ack!

What say you? Too much info? Um, yeah - I agree.

I always enjoy Megan interviews, though. She's beautiful, she's hilarious, and she ALWAYS mentions growing up here in Oklahoma. It kinda makes me tingle. (But not in a poison oak kind of way.)

Ellllllllllen

*snore*

Huh? Wha? Sorry.

Ya know, I used to love Ellen DeGeneres. Her stand up is great. I was enthralled with her sitcom. So, I was THRILLED when I found out she was going to have her own talk show.

I tuned in all excited-like. All I could say was 'eh'.

But then? When she started doing the dancing thing? Oh. My. God. PLEASE STOP THE DANCING, WOMAN. And then? When she started dancing in the audience? For like, 78 minutes an episode? I wanted to gouge my friggin' eyes out.

That's pretty much how I felt about tonight's (super long) interview with Leno. They talked about cats. They talked about living around wolves. They talked about sun tanning. They talked about....zzzzzzzz....wha? Huh??

Sorry. Conan has been on for 20 minutes and I'm STILL bored with Ellen's bit on Leno.

Mommy, make it stop.

Just Jack!

Debra Messing was telling David Letterman about how touchy-feely the cast of Will&Grace is with each other. If you've seen any interviews or outtakes of the show, you understand. Hell, even in the aired episodes, the actors get more action from each other than I normally do. D'oh!

Anyhoo.

The network apparently got so freaky about it, they made every cast and crew member go through hours of sexual harassment training. I guess that's fairly normal nowadays, isn't it? I wouldn't think it would be the norm in Hollywood because everyone is a ho, but I digress.

After the very serious and stern "this is sexual harassment and it's not right" shtuff, and as the group was leaving, Sean Hayes dropped his pants - AND his under roos - and shouted "does THIS constitute as sexual harassment?!"

That's Hollywood for ya.

I think I wanna move there.

Paula Abduloopy

Simon Cowell basically told the world on Leno that Paula Abdul is cracked out on pills. Ok, yeah, not so much those words, but how else would you take this exchange??

Jay : Is it me or is Paula getting more emotional?
Simon : There's another word for emotional.
Jay : All right. Does it begin with a "B"? What is it?
Simon : It begins with an "L" and ends with "oopy."

Then they showed a clip of Paula crying and flailing her arms around like a nutjob.

Ooooh!! Fight, fight, fight!! Watch out, Cowell...Paula is gonna throw her pill bottle at your face.

Welcome!

I wanted to start this because I have so much fun on my other blog talking about what I hear on late night talk shows. (Namely, Letterman, Leno and Conan.) I also found that I'm usually the first to post this kind of stuff. So, ya know, that makes me special and stuff.

If you miss one of the nightly talk shows and want to know the fun stuff that celebs said, just tune in here. I'll do my best to post only the good junk.

Welcome to my new bloggy toy!