Late Night Chase

Paula Abdul No Drugs..Pills Goood...Me High

2007-01-12T17:38:00.000-08:00

Paula Abdul's people are saying the reason behind her actions in this video are because of "technical difficulties".

Riiiight. Because technical difficulties with sound equiptment make one slur, sway, talk out of the side of your mouth and clench your teeth. I'll have to remember that one. "Sorry officer, I was having techincal difficulties."

Nice...Um...'Area'

2006-10-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

From the David Letterman show :

I went to the spa recently in preparation for coming to your show. I got a full leg wax. You know, when you're getting a full leg wax, you get a bikini wax, too. I was right in the middle of it...well, the lady was in the middle of...doing it...and she stops and she looks at me and says, "This is a lovely area."

And I have to admit, I was taken aback. I mean, it IS a lovely area, I suppose, but no one has said that to me, really. So I said, "oh, it is?" and she said, "yes, it's just beautiful!"

And I'm like OH lord! So then I said, "wow, I guess, thank you very much..." and she said, "yes, the trees..the houses...the weather..."

Yeah, she was talking about Beverly Hills. For a minute or two I thought I had a new girlfriend.

~ Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Conan VS Walken : Battle of the Hair

2006-09-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Welcome to the first annual Late Night BATTLE OF THE HAIR!

In the gray blazer, wearing a 'Losing My Hair And Trying To Hide It' updo, we have the talented Christopher Walken. And in the blue blazer, with his 'It Started Out Ok But Turned Tragic' head-puff, we have talkshow host Conan O'Brien.

Let's get it on!!!

"Bring it, O'Brien." "Oh, I'm bringin' it, Walken."

I'm gonna take you down, pipsqueak!

Yeh, like I did to his momma last night! ZING!

Oh hells no!!

Bouncing Baby Billy Bob

2006-09-27T05:31:00.000-07:00

When Billy Bob Thornton was 7 months old, he was already a pseudo-celebrity in his hometown. According to what he told David Letterman, he was The Fattest Baby in Clark County, Arkansas.

"I was put in the newspaper there, on the page where they usually have a turnip or a watermelon...I weighed 30 pounds...which is like a 3rd grader!"

Check out the cuteness that was Billy Bob.

I guess when he sold his soul to the devil (I mean, Angelina), he traded cuteness for creepiness.

Teri Hatcher Can't Get A Date

2006-09-22T06:17:00.000-07:00

You know, when I wrote back in May on my other blog about Teri Hatcher having a strong vagina, I would have thought that her appearance on that Leno would get her all kinds of dates.

But, apparently not.

Teri is on The Tonight Show again - this time telling about how she hasn't had a date since January. She says that even when she does have a date, it's a bad one. The last blind date she was set up on, the guy was taken away by the FBI right before they were supposed to go out.

Her friend said, "the good news is that you didn't sleep with him." Implying much?

So, obviously, Miss Hatcher is easy AND has a stellar vagina? Why on Earth wouldn't anyone want to date her?

Wocka Wocka Wocka!

Ooooooh yeah. Nevermind.

Pappy Timberlake Tells A Story

2006-09-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

Justin Timberlake is on The Tonight Show, talking about his small-town grandpa and the stories he used to tell. This one tickled me, so I thought I'd share (edited slightly by me to stop Timberlake's rambling and bad story-telling):

There's this dog who walks the same route everyday. Everyday, he crosses the same railroad tracks. Well, one day, the tip of his tail gets stuck in the tracks as he's crossing. Right about that time, he looks up and sees a train coming.

The dog says to himself, 'what am I going to do now?!' and he starts to panic. Instead of just trying to pull the tip of his tail out, he reaches back and tries to chew it all loose.

Well, the train runs over the dog and completely decapitates him.

When a little 10-year-old Justin nears crying, his grandpa says,

Now, you know what the moral of the story is? Don't ever lose your head over a little piece of tail.

A-thankyou. He'll be here all week.

Gisele Bundchen Makes Up With Conan

2006-09-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

As if Conan O'Brien wasn't weird enough looking.

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen is on Late Night promoting a new make-up line to be carried at Victoria's Secret. The line is called 'Very Sexy', and they wanted to try it out.

Who better to try on make-up? A hotty supermodel?

No, silly. The 8-foot-tall redheaded man.

Such a pretty girl!

"Ohhhh, Labamba!!"

Yeah. I'm not going to sleep peacefully for awhile.

Matthew Perry : Something's Missing

2006-09-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

Matthew Perry, who played Chandler Bing (BING!), is on Jay Leno.

They were talking about Perry's new show, how much sleep Perry has been lacking, and...um...some other stuff. But, you know what? I couldn't pay attention because I noticed something a bit...odd.

Look at this photo and tell me if you see anything amiss.

No? You're just noticing the goofy smile? Fine...I'll show you a close-up.

YESSSSSSSS!! The finger!!

I have a thing with looking at celeb's hands (don't ask) and just...NOTICED...it.

I wonder what happened? I guess I could google it, but I'm lazy. I just like saying "ewwwwwwwww! No fingerrrrrrrrrrrnail!"

So there ya go. Matthew Perry is missing the tip of his middle finger.

And here's another view so you can say "ack!" too.

Zach Braff Is A Big Fat Liar

2006-09-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, I might exaggerate a little and embellish stories for the sake of storytelling...but this guy is so totally full of it!

Zach was on Conan O'Brien talking about his appearance on the show Punk'd, where Ashton Kutcher plays horrible pranks on his celebrity buddies. In Zach's Punk'd, it's staged to where kids spray paint his brand new Porche.

On Conan, Zach tells of how he caught the kid and started punching him in the stomach over and over and over. The way Zach tells it, it was too dark to see the kid, so he didn't know how young he was until after he beat him up. He also says they didn't show that part on Punk'd because it made him look bad.

and I punched him just like THIS!

However, in the video (seen here on YouTube), it's quite clear 1) he knows what the kid looks like because he talked to him before the incident, 2) he doesn't catch the kid, an extra does, and oh yeah 3) HE'S A LYING FOOOOOL!

See? That explains why he couldn't decide between a herniated disc and a ruptured disc. I bet he just has a sore muscle or something. And I'm also beginning to think one of his legs isn't shorter than the other.

And here he made me feel sorry for him.

Come here to me, Zach. It's spanking time.

Sexyback

2006-09-12T18:36:00.000-07:00

Justin Timberlake did his very first interview on David Letterman. I don't think he'll ever forget it, either.

Dave wasn't letting up. He asked him questions about dating Cameron Diaz (who Justin apparently said he didn't want to talk about), about smoking pot in Amsterdam during a magazine interview, and about, uber old news, the Janet Jackson/Superbowl incident.

I don't think Justin got rid of his embarrassment the entire interview. I could have captured a thousand pictures just like these. It was fun to watch him squirm. And he's just too adorable.

(I think my crush list has officially gone overboard...)

Martha Stewart Sucks...Blood

2006-09-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, how many ways can I make this a dirty, dirty post?

Yeah, too many...so I'll just stick with how it really went.

Martha Stewart was do-gooding on David Letterman, telling the world how to fix a healthy snack for school kids. While being a goofball like he normally is, Letterman cut his finger with a star-shaped cookie cutter.

Ouch.

Being the good ol' gal she is, Martha took first aid matters into her own hands. Um...I mean...into her own mouth.

Ew.

And also... *gigglesnort*

My sweet internets, I don't think I need to say any more. I'll let you take it from here.

Anna Nicole Loses Son; Gains Daughter

2006-09-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

I, of course, have nothing humorous to say about this, but I wanted to post it here anyway. Such a horrible turn of events for Anna Nicole Smith.

Anna Nicole gave birth to her daughter last Thursday (September 7). Her son came to the Bahamas to help celebrate the birth and he apparently died yesterday morning (September 10). Cause of death is unknown, or at least unreleased, but they're saying it didn't have anything to do with drugs or alcohol.

Poor lady. Bittersweet week, indeed.

Perfect Genes

2006-09-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

You thought Brad and Angelina were a hot couple? I just found out these two were dating. Lord a'mercy, talk about Heaven on a platter.

Rosario Dawson (Sin City, Rent) and Jason Lewis (Sex & the City).

Hell, even I'D have their babies.

Lindsay Lohan and the Fabulous Father

2006-09-08T00:28:00.000-07:00

Inside Edition did an interview with Michael Lohan, the redheaded hoochie coochie's proud papa. He's currently serving a 4-year prison term for assault & DUI.

Since his daughter is a whor...I mean...celebrity, they are keeping him in protective custody. What's that mean? Well, other than not getting the shtick in the booty, Michael is being housed with the pedophiles.

Guess what?

No really...guess.

Oooh yeah, all the pedophiles have pictures of Lindsay (who doesn't really LOOK 20, does she?) hanging in their cells!

And poor Daddy has to see this. Can you imagine how much that SUUUCKS? "Dude, stop wanking off to that poster - that's my daughter!"

*snort*

It's good to be on the outside, yo.

Dude Has Problems

2006-08-30T05:39:00.000-07:00

Zach Braff, who I would probably run away with if he asked me to, is on David Letterman. The guy has some issues!

He found out recently that one leg is 1/8" shorter than the other. He has a herniated disc (or ruptured, depending on what part of the conversation you listen to). He stays at home by himself with his computer and a bowl of cereal. Hmmm...who does that sound like?

(Zach, I'm waiting! Bring Natalie Portman!)

His biggest problem, though? His voice sounds exactly like a young Ray Romano. Acckk!! Turn back from the dark side, Zach!!

Braff's new movie, 'The Last Kiss', sounds like it might save him, though. I simply cannot wait to see this one. Since Scrubs is so perfect and Garden State was so life-altering, I'd have to guess his work in this one will be amazing, too. Have you seen the preview??

Oooh. Deep, yo.

And...did you know Zach has a blog? Check them both out. But, um, stay away from my man. Because...he's my man.

Baby Gramps

2006-08-29T05:13:00.000-07:00

Um.

"Baby Gramps" played on David Letterman. During the whole performance, I was waiting for audience laughter. Or someone to come out and say they were just kidding. Or my brain to explode.

The guy sounds like the drunk hobo at the train station. And his four backup singers looked and sounded like Those Guys who are just too old to be at that frat party...but are anyway.

Don't buy the cd, people. Unless 'creepy' is your thing.

White Trashery Goodness

2006-08-29T04:57:00.000-07:00

Though I don't have to say more than the words 'David Spade' to get across that point...

Spade is on Jay Leno telling of his true, redneck, Joe Dirt-like childhood. One lovely detail was the way his mother took care of he and his brothers when they were smaller.

She would drop them off in the desert when she went to work, armed with guns (rifles, 22s, pistols) to keep them busy, and then, after work, would pick them up at a gas station 7 miles from the dropoff point.

Now, that puts the fun back into disfunctional!

Slip Up

2006-06-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

The worst name mix-up I've heard in a long time. Fabulous!

Cuba Gooding, Jr. at the Superman premier :

When I was 12-years old, my father took me to the premier of Superman with Keanu...with uh....Christopher Reeve and it made me want to be an actor...

Errrrrrrrrrrrrr....

How ya gonna mix up some Keanu with some Christopher Reeve?! Dumbass.

What? Brad and Angelina AREN'T Gods??

2006-06-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the dynamic duo's ego has wiped its feet all over its Namibian welcome mat. What?! People don't like when two people come there and disrupt their whole country? Whodathunk?

According to Life Style Extra, charity campaigners are saying the couple should be banned from the country. Ha!

A [Namibian National Society for Human Rights] spokesman said: "To shut down a national border so she can give birth in peace is a massive abuse of power."

The human rights campaigners claim Angelina and Brad "used heavy-handed and brutal tactics" to persuade the Namibian government to agree to their demands

Hoooooooooooo boy! And here's a press release talking about how thier banning of photographers even went so far to go against the nation's constitution.

Good job, Brangelina. Piss off a whole nation by thinking you're bigger than Jesus. Geez. I mean, come on...you're not freakin' Oprah.

Yo, Yo, Yo! Paris Hilton!

2006-06-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton is on David Letterman (well, she's on the show, not on the man) talking about her new album.

Really - is anyone out there excited about this? If you're as excited as me, right now you've knocked yourself out by falling asleep and hitting your head on the corner of your desk and you're lying on the floor drooling.

When Dave asked Paris what kind of music her album is, she responded "it's a mix of rock, hip hop, pop..." Oh. Riiiiight. Because when we think of gangsta hip hop, we think of Paris Hilton. She's street, fo' sho'.

The title of her single is "Stars Are Blind."

If they buy this album, let's just hope they're deaf as well.

SoaP Sunday!!

2006-06-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

Happy SoaP Sunday, everyone. Do you already have the Snakes on a Plane tshirt? If so, go get the Snakes Flying A Plane one, too!

Go now!!

-----------------
Go to the movie's site.
Go to the movie on IMDB.
Go to the movie's blog.

No No No No No NO

2006-06-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

Do I even have to say it?

Denise Richards engaged?

2006-06-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

SNL is a re-run, so I thought I'd dish out some celeb gossip.

Recently, hotty Denise Richards was spotted with a big ol' ring on her left ring finger, sparking rumors that she's engaged. Now, we all know she's been unashamedly knocking boots with Richie Sambora, who, by the freaking way, is still married to Heather Locklear.

But, when I look at the pictures (and we all know how much of an expert I am with celeb pictures) I think it looks more like a dollar store mood ring. I dunno. Of course, it IS Richie Sambora - we're not talking a classy guy, here.

And, wait, what's that on her hand? An age spot? A cat scratch? No. Let the rumor start here - she's been banging a has-been rock star, so she's now got some kind of sore-causing disease.

Yeah. That'll teach that hubby-stealing whore.

(photo from TMZ.com)

All Smiles in Hollywood

2006-06-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

With her big dimples and wide smile, Rosie Perez is one of the most cheerful storytellers around. She's excited and animated and talks a mile a minute.

And she did just that on Jay Leno - laughed and told hilarious stories.

First, she laughed and squealed about the history of Puerto Rico, how, when the Spaniards came into the country they murdered many of the natives there. Good times!

Then she giggled out the story of how she was so poor her mother cut up Slim Jims in rice so they could have meat...and guffawed about how the whole family had to eat Corn Flakes with a fork so they could save the milk for the next kid in line. What fun memories!

They were all like this. And she giggled her sweet voice all the way through 'em.

I guess no matter what's going on in your life when you live in Hollywood, you have to be all smiles. I mean just look at Katie's face - and she's being held hostage by aliens!

Tom : What have I told you about sneaking out of the basement?!?!

Katie : I'm sorry, Xenu, don't eat my brain!

I Can't Roll My Eyes Any Harder

2006-06-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

Because if I did, they would fall right out of my skull.

The other night, I was watching tv and the news came on with an "important news break". Of all things, Oprah was in Tulsa busting up weddings, posing for pictures and giving the couples gifts.

Out of the kindness of her heart? Um, right. She's filming for an upcoming fall show - apparently one where she says "look at me, I'm Oprah, I'm as important as Jesus, but I have more money than his hippy ass."

I'm watching Inside Edition. Guess what Oprah gave to the happy couples in Tulsa, Oklahoma?

No, really. Guess.

A car?

A new house?

A paid honeymoon?

NO, silly!

A set of dishes with roosters on them worth $112. Ok. I understand that people here are pretty simple, but come the fuck on. She's Oprah. She just bought her fifth home in Hawaii. She gives away golden babies on her show everyday. And she's showing up at weddings and giving them gifts like this? Hi, that's probably how much the crappy gravy boat that the 3rd counsins gave them costs.

Add this to another reason I hate Oprah.

Because she was in Tulsa and I didn't get to smack her in the face.

Jump. And, oh yeah, yeehaw.

2006-06-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

I refused to watch Jay Leno tonight because they were featuring the tards from Blue Collar Comedy...and I don't do Blue Collar Comedy.

I did tune in at the end and David Lee Roth was the musical guest, singing the oldie but goodie, Jump. You know the one "hey you! who said that? baby how you beeeeen?" Yeah. That one.

Thing is? He was singing it with a hillbilly band doing the music. It was like a hoedown. But worse. They had a banjo, a slide guitar thing, a fiddle, and a mandolin.

It was terrifying. And I couldn't stop watching. He even did the rock-n-roll cat-call "OOOOWWW!" yells. To the plinky plunky redneck music.

Might as well jump (jump!) off a cliff after seeing that. Aaarrrrrrgh!

Love Hate

2006-06-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

As much as I can't stand hearing about the couple and couldn't give a rat's patoot about their baby, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have given me a pleasant surprise.

The couple made an announcement today that they will be selling pictures of their baby, Shiloh, and giving the proceeds to a charity supporting newborns in suffering countries.

It's actually pretty cool. In a I still can't stand you people sort of way.

SoaP Sunday!

2006-06-04T13:02:00.000-07:00

Samuel L. Jackson wore a SoaP tshirt to the MTV Movie Awards last night. Brilliant! That makes me want one even more.

Looky what I found :

They have stickers, magnets and other junk. Go see!

-------------------------
Go to the movie's site.
Go to the movie on IMDB.
Go to the movie's blog.

Here Ya Go, Geezers

2006-06-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

Conan O'Brien is a re-run, but I hadn't seen it. Charlize Theron is on the show and talking about how she likes older men. And, actually, her exact words were:

I'm not like normal girls that have, like, crushes on young guys. If they're hunched over and old, those are the ones I have crushes on.

She says the older gents are "real men." What is it lately with the youngsters falling for the geezers? Is this yet another sign I need to get me a sugar (grand)daddy?

So, there ya go, my older readers. You might still have a chance to get a woman who has all her own teeth. And if you find one who has even a quarter of her hotness? Well, you've simply got it MADE, brotha.

Those Legs!

2006-06-02T16:21:00.000-07:00

Remember the outfit I was talking about here?

Well, here ya go. The legs that made Letterman drool on his tie.

Walking The Dog

2006-06-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

Can you point out the skanky dog in this picture? I'll give you 2 guesses.

(Hint : her name rhymes with pariah and she's wearing a slutty yellow dress)

I'm Being Cheated On. Again.

2006-06-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I know I've recently claimed both John Corbett and Hugh Jackman, but let's face it - I'm a whore.

With that said, let me state for the record : Natalie Portman is MINE.

The newest rumor is that she and Jake Gyllenhaal are dating. He bought her tulips, for pete's sake. Why you gotta buy my girl tulips?! Grrrrr. Some people have all the nerve.

Stay away from my girl, Darko.

Unless, of course, you wanna come over with her. I'm just saying.

Source : The Superficial

Crazy Cruise

2006-06-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

Even though most of their talk was about baby Suri, Tom Cruise still showed us he was crazy. Nothing outrageous like eating the placenta or admitting that there's an alien living in this brain, but still. Downright, too-big-a-smile, too-shifty-in-the-eyes crazy.

And they did have a couple of exchanges that I'm CERTAIN the network will be sued for by the Church of Scientology and Dave Letterman will be murdered for. One is:

Tom Cruise : She's now 7 pounds 10 ounces. That's important - these ounces, ya know. You're now at the stage where you're measuring...everything...if you know what I mean.

He barely kept his composure with that one. I sure didn't. I was hooting at the tv like a 13-year-old boy.

An even better one:

Letterman : As a famous movie star, you must have an enormous staff. Do you have an enormous staff?

Tom Cruise : HUGE.

They laughed. Now that I look back, I wonder if they were laughing at the same thing I was? Probably not.

Oh crap. Ya know, if I disappear in the next few days - check Tom Cruise's backyard. I may be buried there.

Just Wondering

2006-06-01T20:10:00.000-07:00

What's the deal with Robin Williams continuing to attempt making thrillers?

One Hour Photo? Crap.

The Final Cut? Crap crap.

And now The Night Listener? Crappity crap crappo crap.

Stick to stuff like Death To Smoochy. Now THAT was brilliant work!

Oopsy

2006-06-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

I know I skipped out on you folks last night - sorry! I went dancing and forgot to record all my shows. So, to make up for it, I'll offer a little celeb gossip.

Adrienne Curry (winner of America's Next Top Model) and Christopher Knight ('Peter' on The Brady Bunch), stars of My Fair Brady, tied the knot this Monday, making yet another match that will last as long as their reality shows did. A whole season...and then maybe a couple of years of mind-numbing syndication until everyone wants to gouge their eyes out with plastic Brady Bunch dolls.

Congrats to the happy couple. Just, please, don't make any reality shows about it. Watching this marriage play out would be like rehashing my drunk uncle's short-lived hooplah with that anorexic hooker.

Real Man of Genius

2006-05-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

Tom Hanks is on Jay Leno talking about drinking in a pub overseas while filming The Da Vinci Code. He said, "I think a guy who orders a pilsner is, essentially, a big fat pussy."

He went on to describe lager drinkers as "some good-lovin' men who treat their women good."

Here in the states, Miller Lite is marketed as a pilsner, while Budweiser is a lager.

In my household, from now on, Tom Hanks is a Real Man of Genius. So, thank you, Mr.Good-Lovin'Treatin'-Women-Good Bud-Drinkin' Man. We salute you.

And if Shellie were awake, she'd be saying WOOHOOOOO!

How To Eat Fried Worms

2006-05-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

They're making a movie of the Rockwell novel, can you believe it?! Go to the movie's site here.

Talk about bringing back memories. I spent most of my life with books - this one of the first. I'm thrilled!

SoaP Sunday!

2006-05-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

THERE'S SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' PLANE!!

Happy SoaP Sunday, everyone. Since this is the first official SoaP Sunday, I'll explain.

Snakes on a Plane. If you haven't heard of this movie yet, start paying more attention because it's all over the place! Go find a preview. Go read the blog. It's a brilliantly (and horribly) named flick coming out in August that is so cornbally, it's already got an amazing cult following (mostly internet-based).

So, to pay tribute (and because there's really nothing on tv on Sundays to blog about), I'm going to post something about the movie every week until its release. (Or until I run out of crap to talk about. Because I don't want to WORK for it. I mean, come on.)

This week's SoaP Sunday is my favorite fake movie picture so far. Wheeee!

----------------------------------
Go to the movie's site.
Go to the movie on IMDB.
Go to the movie's blog.

Happy Birthday!

2006-05-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

This doesn't have anything to do with my late night shows, but wanted to share the news.

The most beautiful couple in the world, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, welcomed their new 7.5lb baby into the world today, May 26. Happy Birthday, Kingston James McGregor Rossdale.

Chicago Nursing Home

2006-05-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

Rita Wilson is playing the part of Roxie in the Broadway show, Chicago.

I don't mean to be that girl, but...isn't she a little old for this role? The character, Roxie Hart, is a sexy wannabe vaudeville dancer in the 1930s who has a fairly new marriage and a lover, who has to pass as pregnant while in the slammer.

To me, the role screams for someone half Rita Wilson's age. I've seen both the play and the movie and just can't picture a 50-year-old Roxie. Is it just me?

I was fully expecting them to say she was taking on the role of Momma.

I mean, really, 50 is just SO freakin' old. She probably won't make it through rehearsals before kicking the bucket. Can people that old even see anymore? How's she going to get her cues? Can Roxie really get to vaudeville with a walker?!

Nahhhhh, just kiddin. Break a leg, Rita.

Or a hip.

Oh Son Of A...

2006-05-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

Taylor Hicks on Jay Leno. Worse than Halle Berry's toe.

That's all I have to say.

The Other Side of X-Men

2006-05-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had Hugh Jackman (aka Chasey's new boyfriend). Tonight, Halle Berry is on David Letterman. What's that little minx doing? Talking about her feet. If you know me AT ALL, you know how feet utterly gross me out.

GROSS. Me. Out.

She was running through the airport trying to catch a flight when she tripped over her own feet and fell. In doing so, she broke the middle toe on her left foot. Oooh, but that's not the bad part. What else did she do? She ripped off one of her toenails. Gone.

Umm, good lord. Give me Hugh Jackman again, please. His stories didn't make me vomit on my keyboard.

I Have A New Boyfriend

2006-05-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

What could possibly be sexier than an Australian hotty who plays a badass mutant? A funny, charming Australian hotty who plays a badass mutant.

And that's why I've grabbed me up a new man. Hugh Jackman was on Conan and just charmed the heck outta me. There wasn't a story he told that was boring in the least. And I found myself battting my eyelashes at the tv. Whodathunk a hairy monster could have such an effect?

Hey, Hugh? Call me, mmkay?

Aniston Gets The Eye

2006-05-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know if David Letterman was more interested in Jennifer Aniston's legs or her relationship with Vince Vaughn.

Sure, they talked about the movie (The Break Up) a little, but mostly it was "so...ARE you seeing Vince Vaughn, because, if you are, that's ok" and "my GOD your legs are great."

Poor girl.

Though, I have to say - you really couldn't help but look at those legs. She was wearing shorty shorts, for pete's sake. Who cares about Vince Vaughn?? I nearly ran up and licked the tv screen!

Very Very Vince

2006-05-23T05:33:00.000-07:00

Vince Vaughn (Swingers, The Break Up) was telling Jay Leno about his unusual family names. His mother liked the way her husband's name was V.V. - Vernon Vaughn, so she continued the trend with the rest of the household.

She named him Vince Vaughn and his sisters Victoria Vaughn and Valerie Vaughn. She even named all the pets V.V. The last pet they had was a chihuahua named Vanadis Vaughn.

I suppose hubby liked that idea because when he eventually remarried. Yep. He got him a Vicky Vaughn.

I'm glad none of those kids had a stutter. They'd never get anywhere. V-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v......vvv-v-v-v-v-v-v-vv-vv-vv-v-vv....v-v-v-vv-vv-v-vvv-v-v-v-v-vuck!

SNL Edition

2006-05-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

Bloggin' SNL it as it plays. Because I'm chill like that.

Host : The most brilliant actor on the planet, Kevin Spacey
Musical Guest : Always freaks me out a little, Nelly Furtado

I love when fat guys dress up like women and act like idiots - Horatio Sanz as Carol makes me giggle like a spaz.

Um. When did Nelly Furtado turn ghetto skank? Just curious.

I can't stand Taylor Hicks. And I can't stand when someone pretends to be Taylor Hicks. Someone please make it stop.

Tina Fey on Weekend Update: "Residents in Scottsdale, Arizona are upset with the name of a new taco restaurant which is called Pink Taco Mexican Restaurant. In case you're curious, the Pink Taco is located just south of the Hooters." BRILLIANT.

The time machine bit? Yep, this is the epitome of why SNL kinda sucks these days. That was long and drawn out and made me want to stick something in my eyes.

I'm embarassed for SNL. They get someone like Spacey on and they make him do these skits. *pat pat* I'm sorry, Kevin.

Nelly's 2nd act? Like the cast of Chicago on crack stuck in a bad hair products commercial. Much like her first one but for different reasons, I won't be buying this album.

Dum Dum Dummmm

2006-05-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

Not even kidding, this was a sentence used on Entertainment Tonight today:

....and on Monday, the woman Richard Simmons caught smuggling hamburgers into the Rehab Center for the Morbidly Obese....

Some things just make ya smile.

I'll Pull Her Hair Out

2006-05-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

John Corbett (Sex and the City) is dating Bo Derek?! Apparently for awhile now.

My lord, she could be his great, great grandmother.

Ok, yeah, not really...she's only 5 years older, but, seeing as "10" came out 78 years ago (again - slight exaggeration), it seems like she could be. I say she's too old for him.

Plus, I'm a little jealous. Because, dammit, Aiden is mine.

MINE, MINE, MINE, YOU BRAIDY-HEADED FREAK!!

Not that I care or anything...whatever, dude....

Buddha Would Approve

2006-05-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

Nicolette Sheridan from Desperate Housewives was telling Jay Leno tonight about her brush with life imitating art imitating life.

On a recent episode, Nicolette's character, Edie, gets attacked by bees, leaving her face swollen to the size of a basketball. She said a couple of days after they filmed, Nicolette walked out of her house to find a swarm of bees and thought she was going to end up all crazy-looking like she did on the show.

Normal people would either grab a can of Raid, or, if it's a dire need, they would call the bug man to come spray. Yeah, I said normal. Nicolette had her assistant call a 'holistic bee whisperer' to get rid of the little guys.

She said when she returned home a few hours later, no bees were harmed, but they were gone.

Something seems a bit amiss to me. Dog whisperer, sure. Horse whisperer, ok, whatever. Ghost whisperer, don't get me started. BEE whisperer? Oh. Come. On. Dude took a boot to those suckers and rinsed away the evidence, I just know it!

But, I'm pretty open-minded - I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. So...anyone know a good plumbing whisperer? My toilet is making funny noises.

License to Kill

2006-05-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

Evangeline Lily ("Lost") needs to NOT be behind the wheel. Please?

She confesses that when she gets impatient while driving, she just pushes on the gas and plows through. She told Jay Leno and his full military audience that she recently crashed into the craft services guy because he was in her way.

When Jay asked if she stopped and apologized, she gave us this gem :

I actually didn't realize that it happened. You know how you get used to
things and then you don't notice them anymore?

Oh, my. She actually went on to say she's hit "snowbanks and dirtpiles and pedestrians and lamp posts..."

Go ahead, say it. *sigh* WOMEN.

BUT - if it makes any difference, she finished her segment by doing 10 knuckle push-ups. And not in a sissy on-the-knee kind of way.

Not only could she plow over me with her car, she could probably also kick my ass. Ok, I'll stop making fun of her now.

Next? The World

2006-05-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

Oprah just spent $24million, buying 2 more homes in Hawaii, bringing the total homes owned on the islands to FIVE. Five homes in Hawaii. "Hi, I own five homes in Hawaii." Who else on the planet can say that?!

Clearly, she's planning world domination.

I Hear A Banjo

2006-05-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

Patricia Heaton ("Everybody Loves Raymond") was telling Jay Leno about her Easter vacation. She went and hung out (read : got drunk) with family in Cleveland, OH, where she owns a house. After a couple of drinks, she decides it's a good idea to waddle over in her slippers, take an axe, and start chopping on a burning stack of wood.

While she's got a beer in one hand and a sharp weapon in the other, thrashing around on this smoldering pile of wood, her brother comes around with a chainsaw and says, "I've got a chainsaw and illegal fireworks...all we need is liquor!"

See? Britney Spears isn't the only one who's kept her redneck roots even after being a big star. You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Yee. Haw.

Desperate Times...

2006-05-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

Bruce Willis is on Letterman promoting his flick, Over The Hedge, a cartoon that doesn't really look all that good. So, what does a gigastar* like Willis do to make it look a little less pathetic?

He comes out in fake chains and gets in a vat of water fully dressed, saying he's going to break David Blaine's record. Of course, you can't make an ass of yourself for TOO long or your career is done, so after 20 seconds of splashing around, he hopped back out.

Brilliant.

I bet Demi is thinking she made a pretty wise choice about now.

*Letterman was calling him a 'gigastar' - now that the stunt is over, it's obvious this translates into 'freaking moron.'

And His Stupid Glasses, Too

2006-05-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned how much I can't stand Paul Shaffer? I kinda want to shove his keyboard up his honker.

Good thing I chose to do a blog where I have to watch the show every night, huh? Damn, I'm good.

Itchy Wee Wee & My Home State

2006-05-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

Another Will&Grace star. Yay!

Megan Mullally and her hubby went on romantic vacation in northern Cali recently. She told Conan about how hubs somehow got poison oak on his winky. She's on there talking about how scabby and icky it is. Ack!

What say you? Too much info? Um, yeah - I agree.

I always enjoy Megan interviews, though. She's beautiful, she's hilarious, and she ALWAYS mentions growing up here in Oklahoma. It kinda makes me tingle. (But not in a poison oak kind of way.)

Ellllllllllen

2006-05-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

*snore*

Huh? Wha? Sorry.

Ya know, I used to love Ellen DeGeneres. Her stand up is great. I was enthralled with her sitcom. So, I was THRILLED when I found out she was going to have her own talk show.

I tuned in all excited-like. All I could say was 'eh'.

But then? When she started doing the dancing thing? Oh. My. God. PLEASE STOP THE DANCING, WOMAN. And then? When she started dancing in the audience? For like, 78 minutes an episode? I wanted to gouge my friggin' eyes out.

That's pretty much how I felt about tonight's (super long) interview with Leno. They talked about cats. They talked about living around wolves. They talked about sun tanning. They talked about....zzzzzzzz....wha? Huh??

Sorry. Conan has been on for 20 minutes and I'm STILL bored with Ellen's bit on Leno.

Mommy, make it stop.

Just Jack!

2006-05-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

Debra Messing was telling David Letterman about how touchy-feely the cast of Will&Grace is with each other. If you've seen any interviews or outtakes of the show, you understand. Hell, even in the aired episodes, the actors get more action from each other than I normally do. D'oh!

Anyhoo.

The network apparently got so freaky about it, they made every cast and crew member go through hours of sexual harassment training. I guess that's fairly normal nowadays, isn't it? I wouldn't think it would be the norm in Hollywood because everyone is a ho, but I digress.

After the very serious and stern "this is sexual harassment and it's not right" shtuff, and as the group was leaving, Sean Hayes dropped his pants - AND his under roos - and shouted "does THIS constitute as sexual harassment?!"

That's Hollywood for ya.

I think I wanna move there.

Paula Abduloopy

2006-05-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

Simon Cowell basically told the world on Leno that Paula Abdul is cracked out on pills. Ok, yeah, not so much those words, but how else would you take this exchange??

Jay : Is it me or is Paula getting more emotional?
Simon : There's another word for emotional.
Jay : All right. Does it begin with a "B"? What is it?
Simon : It begins with an "L" and ends with "oopy."

Then they showed a clip of Paula crying and flailing her arms around like a nutjob.

Ooooh!! Fight, fight, fight!! Watch out, Cowell...Paula is gonna throw her pill bottle at your face.

Welcome!

2006-05-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

I wanted to start this because I have so much fun on my other blog talking about what I hear on late night talk shows. (Namely, Letterman, Leno and Conan.) I also found that I'm usually the first to post this kind of stuff. So, ya know, that makes me special and stuff.

If you miss one of the nightly talk shows and want to know the fun stuff that celebs said, just tune in here. I'll do my best to post only the good junk.

Welcome to my new bloggy toy!